It Is Not A Lack Of Love But A Lack Of Friendship That Makes Unhappy Marriages

Watching a young couple navigate their way through the beginning of a new relationship over the past two years has been an interesting experience, and brought back a memory of a quote that I heard years ago. Friedrich Nietzsche originally said “it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

I’ve heard the quote repeated a number of times, and have used it myself a number of times. Some time back I even wrote about dancing with my best friend for 21 years (It’s getting on to 33 years of dancin’ now!).

Friendship, and openness, are vital if a relationship is going to last.

Conflict is going to happen, especially in the early years of a relationship. We had our first argument the night before our wedding, and I was sure she was going to call it off. It happened at the wedding rehearsal, in front of the pastor who was going to marry us the next day. She looked at him and saw that he was laughing, and when she asked him why, he said “I’ve been waiting for this for months, you’ve been getting on too well, I was worried!”.

Anyway, as you can see, we went ahead with the wedding. The guests were on their way, and the reception had been organized anyway, so we thought what the heck…

Anyway, after 32 years plus we still have our disagreements, but we usually manage them a lot better than the first one, and after raising four healthy, independent children, and now with four grandchildren, it’s easier to work together. And starting over again with someone new would be unthinkable – who’d want the hassle?

The longer we’ve been together the more I’ve realized what a treasure I was gifted with when I married my wife.

We enjoy hanging out together, and often go off for adventures across the countryside. While she was a “little bit country” and I was a “lot rock and roll” our interests and tastes have somehow merged over the years.

Over time I’ve come to a new revelation of what intimacy really is, and it goes far beyond a physical relationship, as important as that is. What we’ve found is that we look after each other, and are there when the other needs us. We have separate interests as we are two individuals, but we have far more in common now than we ever did. And I thought I loved her then, but now…, Now I realize that true love comes on a number of different levels, from that base of friendship (which was there long before any romance started), to the romance and physical love.

I doubt that everyone can be “lovey dovey” all the time. Emotions can fray, circumstances such as illness and financial pressure can cause stress, and kids can give you a hard time as well. But in all those situations friendship, combined with trying to put your spouse first is the cement that helps love bind a couple together!