My Mid Life Crisis Made Me Do It?
We’d been talking for a while about a number of things that had occurred since we’d last met.
I mentioned the fact that my wife and I had been married for just over twenty one years now, and she shared how, almost on their twenty fifth wedding anniversary, her husband had left her.
It was a shock, as they’d seemed the ideal couple when I last saw them.
‘S’ and I had gone out together when we were teenagers, and recently ran into each other on the local university campus.
The twist in the tale was that her husband left for…. a younger version of her!
Similar looks, similar tastes, just half her age and in another town.
I’ve often wondered why this happens – and it’s not just men that do it.
My wife and I sat down and discussed the people we knew who had broken relationships, and then taken up with someone else.
Almost all ended up with ‘new’ partners similar to the one that they had left.
One woman had a couple of relationships go wrong since her marriage failed.
Both new partners were almost identical to her former husband.
Sandra Williams writes about marriage breakdown in her latest post, The Mid Life Crisis Made Me Do It!
I agree with Sandra that this excuse is just a cop out, and hardly justified.
People can be tempted when they feel attracted to someone else, but they don’t have to fall for the temptation!
Openness in relationships is vital to help prevent falling into a trap.
The first thing I did after speaking to ‘S’ was to tell my wife who I had been talking to, and what we’d spoken about.
Speaking to ‘S’, I realized that in a lot of ways she was similar to my wife – simple tastes, strong willed and with a mind of her own.
Even some characteristics such as hair color and complexion were similar!
I wonder if, when people change partners like this they are looking for their youth, for that feeling of being in love again, but without the baggage of years of struggle, commitment and hard work?
Sooner or later though, they end up in the same boat, with similar problems.
It isn’t a change in partners that they need.
They need to change themselves!
Ninety nine times out of a hundred, people will take the problems from their old relationship into the new!
They’d have to be at least 50% part of the problem in the original relationship!
When times are hard, it may be tempting to walk out.
The choices that people make in relationships can also affect relationships that their children form as they mature.
Just my thoughts for today…
Hi Allan,
This is oh so true. People who leave their spouses to live with a younger version of their ex. I’ve seen these and have made a mental note of it, and what I discovered is what you have mentioned: that they end up with the same problems and predicaments because half the problem in their previous relationship was theirs. The funny thing is, in trying to resolve some of their concerns, the new wife is less experienced to handle it, and they find that the problem solving skills of their ex-wife is just as critical as their selfish desire for a youthful replacement! Crazy huh?
On top of this, their temperaments don’t match and the fights last longer than before. The age factor also diminishes their ability to assert themselves and end up being henpecked by the new wife; when in fact, the first wife had nothing but respect and gratitude for them.
It’s a case of deciding with their crotch rather than their brain. This is a manifestation of immaturity, of juvenile mentality – where a sperm of the moment decision takes over the value of a shared lifetime.
I’ve spoken about men here. But there’s another thing Allan, when the woman marries a man who is a younger version of her father; and replaces him later in life with another man who is a younger version still, of her father. Same with men who marry a younger version of their mother. I don’t have much data on these as I have been exposed to only one couple for each. 🙂 –Durano, done!
Durano Lawayan’s last blog post..The Baby Boomer Bombshell
G’day Durano,
Some may call it a mid life crisis, others may say it’s just a combination of immaturity and lust!
I wonder why bother? After all the work of building a relationship and raising children etc., it would be hardly worth it in my opinion!
As for people marrying similar types to their parents, I think that this is natural in one sense – where values and temperament are concerned at least.
It’s when it’s taken to an extreme that it gets a bit scary!
Loved your Babyboomer post by the way! Highly recommended reading!
Cheers!
This kind of scenario happens all too often Allan. People tend to get bored… husbands or wives working late… not enough time together… one changes… outgrows the other… lost communication channels… but leaving just for the sake of trading in for a younger model is wrong. I don’t have the statistics on it, but it would be interesting to know how many of them do last!
I think if two people cannot possibly live together any more and it’s not a happy and safe environment for children, then they should go their separate ways. It all boils down to our hierarchy of values and what is at the top of the list. Communication and being authentic with one another is essential in making a relationship work. Learning how to make requests and empowering each other rather than bringing the other down. As adults, we should act like adults and not children. Being responsible for one self and those we love is key here.
Buzzing with Ange’s last blog post..Life Success Coach Kurek Ashley
Allan, I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about chasing after youth. A wife or husband the same age is sometimes an unwelcome reflection or reminder of someone’s true age. They can feel younger easier with someone younger and it’s probably flattering initially.
Like you said though, it’s natural to still be attracted to others but that doesn’t mean you have to act on it or hide secrets from your spouse.
When times are hard many seem to bail out, especially if they had an unrealistic image of what marriage was going to be like from the start. Seeking an escape through someone else’s arms or attempting to turn back the clock are not good long term strategies and I agree that they will soon likely be in the same boat.
Sandra’s last blog post..The Mid Life Crisis Made Me Do it
Hi Ange,
I understand that scenario, but do we make it too easy sometimes, and is it worth the cost, both financial and emotional, to move on?
And what of the children in the relationship?
I wonder sometimes if it would be easier to recognise the signs of drifting apart, and seek to do something about it rather than just letting it die.
Just my take on it anyway…
G’day Sandra,
Having ‘an unrealistic view of what marriage is going to be like from the start’ is a BIG part of the problem!
Because we have individuals forming a union, it is hard work because we are dealing with differences in opinion and so on.
Many get caught up in the romance of it all, a lot of which is fantasy, or sex, which is an important part of it, but marriage is so much more.
I think that if people who are looking to get married sat down as individuals and wrote down their needs, expectations and desires before marriage, and then compared notes, they would be able to go into it with their eyes wide open…